finding the truth

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by
the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the
preacher.

The minister notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to
find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, preacher, I sure am."

The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back
up.

"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asks.

"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him
up, and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I have not, reverend."

The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds
this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone, "My
God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure
this is where he fell in?"

Sexy Secretary

Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office. John said
to Michael: "Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex.
She's a lot better in bed than my wife!"

Two days later. Michael said to John: "Well, I dated her too and we had
sex as well, but I still think your wife is better in bed!"

Sooner or Later

There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk and started a fight
with the other two men. The police came and took the drunken guy to
jail.

The next day the man went before the judge. The judge asked the man,
"Where do you work?"

The man said, "Here and there."

The judge asked the man, "What do you do for a living?"

The man said, "This and that."

The judge then said, "Take him away."

The man said, "Wait, judge, when will I get out?"

The judge said to the man, "Sooner or later..."

Think like one?

There are once was a very good old barber in New York . One day a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service." 

The Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door. 

A policeman goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service." 

The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door. 

A Singaporean software engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service." 

The Singaporean software engineer is happy and leaves. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there... 

Can you guess? 
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Come on, think like a Singaporean....
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Have you got the answer????? 
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come on ............. guess
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.... a dozen Singaporeans waiting for a free haircut! 

UFO - what does it stand for?

A flying saucer was low on fuel, so it landed by a gas station on a
lonely country road.

On its side were the letters "UFO." The gas station attendant was
stunned, but his curiosity got the best of him. "Does that stand for
Unidentified Flying Object?" he asked.

"No," one of the other-worldly travelers responded, "It stands for
"Unleaded Fuel Only."

Romanian player sold for 15kg of meat

BUCHAREST -- Romanian second division soccer club UT Arad sold a player in exchange for 15 kilograms of meat, local sport daily Pro Sport reported on Monday.

However, fourth division Regal Horia made a bad deal because defender Marius Cioara decided to end his footballing career and take off to Spain to find a job in agriculture or construction.

"We are upset because we lost twice -- firstly because we lost a good player and secondly because we lost our team's food for a whole week," a Regal Horia official was quoted as saying by the daily in its electronic edition.

Doctor's Poker Game

A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just
after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news,
the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar
voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three
doctors are there already!"

Road Signs

Road signs are a real indication of what an area is like.
In Virginia you have signs saying "Deer Crossing".

At Yellowstone you have signs saying "Bear Crossing".

In Africa you have signs saying "Elephant Crossing".

And in Washington DC, you have signs saying "Double Crossing".

The Newlyweds

A newlywed couple was spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin
resort way up the mountains of Scotland. They had registered on
Saturday, and they had not been seen for five days.

An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about
the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if
they were alright. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice
from inside answered. The old man asked if they were okay.

"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love," came the reply.

The old man responded, "I thought so. Would you mind not throwing the
peelings out the window? They're choking my ducks!"

Job Related Jokes

Q. How's your job at the clock company?
A. Only time will tell...

Q. How's your job at the banana company?
A. I keep slipping up!

Q. How's your job on the new highway?
A. I'm so busy I don't know which way to turn.

Q. How's your job at the travel agency?
A. I'm going nowhere.

Q. How's your job at the swivel chair company?
A. It makes my head spin!

Q. How's your job at the pie company?
A. It didn't pan out.

Q. How's your job at the balloon factory?
A. We can't keep up with inflation.

Q. How's your job at the history book company?
A. There's no future in it!

Meteorologist

Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible
record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a
local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions
and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single
year.

That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired.

He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job.
One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his
previous position.

Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."

Not Anymore

A young guy was complaining to his boss about the problems he was
having with his stubborn girlfriend. "She gets me so angry sometimes I
could hit her, the young man exclaimed.

"Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife" replied the boss.
"Whenever she got out of hand I'd take her pants down and spank her."

Shaking his head the young guy replied, "That doesn't work. Once I get
her pants down, I'm not mad anymore."

Which Muscles??????

"How's your gymnast girlfriend of yours these days?" this guy asked his
buddy.

"Oh man, she's fine and in great shape! She's been working on
developing really concentrated muscle tone."

"Yeah? Which muscle is she toning up?"

"Mine."

Misunderstood

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home
reminiscing.

The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated
with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for
a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger
and cheaper also, the demonstrated the size of two big onions she could
buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I
remember the guy you're talking about."

Ancestral Lines

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the
Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at
me... in me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood,
and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"

The Englishman said, "Very sporting of your mother."

FASTEST

Fastest

Three boys are at school bragging of how great their fathers are.

The first one says, "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an
arrow, and start to run. I tell you, he gets there before the arrow."

The second one says, "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter.
He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet."

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then
says, "You two know nothing about fast. My father works for the city. He
stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45!"

Mixed Up

A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms
around his neck: "Darling, I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I
think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but
we until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the doorbell,
because the young couple haven't paid their last bill: "Are you Mrs.
Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the electric
company.

"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"

"Absolutely."

"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight."

That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a
bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next
morning.

"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month
overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you have
to do is pay us."

"PAY you? And if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut you off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

Rifle Shopping

Rifle Shopping

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.

"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.

"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.

"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to
shoot him!"

Sex Obsession

Sex Obsession

A man goes to a Psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I
can't stop thinking about sex."

The Psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls
out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks.

The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states,
"That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."

The Psychologist says, "very interesting," and shows the next ink blot
picture. "And what is this a picture of?"

The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a
man and a woman on a bed making love."

The Psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the
same question, "What is this a picture of?"

The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man
and a woman on a bed making love."

The Psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with
sex."

"Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the
dirty pictures!"

Safari Adventure

John came back from a safari in Africa. Upon arrival, he went to his
friend Mark, and told him of his adventures.

"I was out in the jungle," he said, "when all of a sudden I heard a
noise in the bush behind me. Looking back, I saw a huge lion, licking
his chops, and smiling at me. The lion started coming my way and I
started running, with the lion not far behind. When the lion was almost
at my neck, he suddenly slipped, and I got ahead a bit. The lion started
gaining on me, and as he got
closer, once again he slipped. I happened to see a house not far away,
and made towards it. As I got close to the house, the lion was almost on
top of me, when he slipped for a third time. With the very last bit of
strength, I ran into the house and closed the door in the lion's face."

"That's some story there, John, I would have messed my pants."

"Well, WHAT DO YOU THINK THE LION KEPT SLIPPING ON...???"